READ ME, SEYMOUR!
There once was a funny little guy named Seymour
some people called him a nerd or a dork or a weirdo
because he wore glasses and he super liked to read
but he was really a nice guy, he was gentle and kind
it’s just that he worked in a flower shop, and some folks
thought that made him kinda…well, not much of a man.
But he helped a lot of people, people in grief
who had just lost somebody, a grandma or pa,
a son or a daughter, a mother or father, an old friend
victims of some horrible crime or accident…
or for someone who was looking to gain
a girlfriend, prospective mate, or spouse.
But he decided to move up in the world and
make the switch to an old-fashioned bookstore.
Out of the frying pan and into the pyre!
He had a favorite plant that he took with him
when he walked down the street and turned the corner
and applied for a job at the “Little Old Book Store”
where he got hired on the spot by Mr. Canterbury
and was put to work organizing the myriad shelves.
He was introduced to the proprietor’s daughter, Audrey
and it was love at first sight—for both of them!
She also wore glasses and loved to read! What’s not to like!
Seymour started out organizing and stocking the shelves
while Audrey ran the cash register and directed patrons.
Seymour asked permission and placed his plant in a corner
and gave it some water and fertilizer and tender loving care
and named her “Audrey 2,” for he was starting to have feelings
for the pretty young lady with glasses who worked at the store
and was teaching him about poetry, for she wrote verse.
As Seymour was thumbing through a gardening manual
looking for advice to help him nurture his plant and bring
blossoms for his budding love interest, Audrey, he cut his
finger, bleeding a drop which fell onto the plant and caused
an immediate response as Audrey 2 began to grow and glow
luxuriantly, and she sprouted blossoms that looked for all the
world like little Venus fly traps, mouths open, sweetly baited
attracting flies to themselves just like flies to honey.
Seymour was so startled that he dropped his book,
which just happened to be a collection of famous love poems
given to him by Audrey 1, onto the plant, which promptly
picked it up and started reading out loud, startling Seymour
who had never once surmised that plants could be intelligent.
The little Venus fly trap heads began to grow as they felt the
effects of the fertilizer and Seymour’s blood and they ate the
numerous flies that were attracted by the sweet love poems
and they sang out in unison, “Feed us, Seymour!” So, he
squeezed a little more blood out of his finger and Audrey 2
vibrated and danced and sang out, “No!
Feed me words of wisdom and love!
Feed me books, Seymour! Read me!”
Seymour squeezed more blood out of his finger, then began
dropping books from of the discard bin into the open mouths
of the little Venus flytraps as Audrey 2 grew a gigantic book
as her face to the world, reading to him without eyes.
“Read me, Seymour! And don’t read for me, Argentina!
Read to memorize love poems for your sweetheart!”
Seymour responded, “She’s not my sweetheart! She’s my
co-worker and the boss’s daughter! You’re going to get me
in trouble and get me fired!”
“Oh, I would never do that, my little friend!” sang Audrey 2.
“I like having you around! Besides, I’ve grown accustomed
to your blood. I’m just trying to help out your love life. It’s
time to make romance, time for a summer love! Just ask her out
and recite these poems and words of love under the silver moon
and she’ll fall in love with you, right into your arms.”
So, Seymour asked out Audrey for a walk under the moonlight
along the Battery and they looked out at the harbor
and the Statue of Liberty, and they walked and they talked
and recited poetry back and forth until they had both fallen
totally in love with one another.
He even asked for her hand in marriage.
“Getting a little forward, are we?” Audrey asked.
“I’ll have to think about it. I need a man who can
protect me and our family in this mean, mean world. Can you?”
And they headed back to the little old bookshop, back to work.
Bidding Mr. C good evening, they worked the register for the
customers who still came in. Mr. Canterbury had been thinking
the same thing as his daughter. Seymour was intelligent, but
could he protect and provide for his daughter and their children?
Mr. C was the nicest man you could imagine, and you would
never guess that he was a hero of World War 2.
Not waiting to be drafted, he waited outside the recruiting office
all night after Pearl Harbor, then enlisted Monday morning.
Boot camp, infantry training, shipping out, fighting across Africa
with Patton, he was terrified in Italy at Anzio, of charging up the
blasted mountain where all the brave young men who ran up
the slopes standing up were cut down by withering
machine gun fire, mortar blasts, and Nazi snipers.
He crawled on his belly, hanging onto stumps of trees for cover
until he reached the summit. He used his baseball skills to
lob grenades into two German machine gun nests, eliminating
twenty of the master race of supermen and clearing the path to victory.
He was made a battlefield lieutenant, replacing his CO
who had been killed, and still proudly displayed a signed letter
from President Truman in the window of the bookshop.
If could do it, he wanted to know that Seymour could do it,
and he told his daughter what he thought.
Just after the boss went home, three punks came strolling into the store.
They looked like they could not even read, plus they had to be really dumb
or they would have known that bookstores don’t make much money
unlike liquor stores and pot shops. Coyly they demanded all the money
while snarling that they were going to gang rape Audrey
and stab Seymour while he was forced to watch.
What they did not know was that Seymour had been learning karate
aikido, jiujitsu, boxing, and krav maga for years, and bullies
at school had learned to steer clear of him.
He quickly made short work of the gangsters
while Audrey 2 sang, “Feed me, Seymour! I’m hungry.”
Audrey & Audrey helped Seymour dump the bodies into the plant’s
gaping Venus flytrap mouths, and she grew ever bigger and stronger.
The Little Old Bookshop became the most popular in town as people
came from miles around to see and hear the enormous talking plant
and to buy books. Audrey and Seymour were married and lived
happily ever after, and Mr. Canterbury had three grandchildren.
And they all lived happily ever after, with liberty and justice for all!
Amen!
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