Charles Harmon

 

READ ME, SEYMOUR!

There once was a funny little guy named Seymour

some people called him a nerd or a dork or a weirdo

because he wore glasses and he super liked to read

but he was really a nice guy, he was gentle and kind

it’s just that he worked in a flower shop, and some folks

thought that made him kinda…well, not much of a man.

But he helped a lot of people, people in grief

who had just lost somebody, a grandma or pa,

a son or a daughter, a mother or father, an old friend

victims of some horrible crime or accident…

or for someone who was looking to gain

a girlfriend, prospective mate, or spouse.

But he decided to move up in the world and

make the switch to an old-fashioned bookstore.

Out of the frying pan and into the pyre!

He had a favorite plant that he took with him

when he walked down the street and turned the corner

and applied for a job at the “Little Old Book Store”

where he got hired on the spot by Mr. Canterbury

and was put to work organizing the myriad shelves.

He was introduced to the proprietor’s daughter, Audrey

and it was love at first sight—for both of them!

She also wore glasses and loved to read! What’s not to like!

Seymour started out organizing and stocking the shelves

while Audrey ran the cash register and directed patrons.

Seymour asked permission and placed his plant in a corner

and gave it some water and fertilizer and tender loving care

and named her “Audrey 2,” for he was starting to have feelings

for the pretty young lady with glasses who worked at the store

and was teaching him about poetry, for she wrote verse.

As Seymour was thumbing through a gardening manual

looking for advice to help him nurture his plant and bring

blossoms for his budding love interest, Audrey, he cut his

finger, bleeding a drop which fell onto the plant and caused

an immediate response as Audrey 2 began to grow and glow

luxuriantly, and she sprouted blossoms that looked for all the

world like little Venus fly traps, mouths open, sweetly baited

attracting flies to themselves just like flies to honey.

Seymour was so startled that he dropped his book,

which just happened to be a collection of famous love poems

given to him by Audrey 1, onto the plant, which promptly

picked it up and started reading out loud, startling Seymour

who had never once surmised that plants could be intelligent.

The little Venus fly trap heads began to grow as they felt the

effects of the fertilizer and Seymour’s blood and they ate the

numerous flies that were attracted by the sweet love poems

and they sang out in unison, “Feed us, Seymour!” So, he

squeezed a little more blood out of his finger and Audrey 2

vibrated and danced and sang out, “No! 

Feed me words of wisdom and love! 

Feed me books, Seymour! Read me!”

Seymour squeezed more blood out of his finger, then began

dropping books from of the discard bin into the open mouths

of the little Venus flytraps as Audrey 2 grew a gigantic book

as her face to the world, reading to him without eyes.

“Read me, Seymour! And don’t read for me, Argentina!

Read to memorize love poems for your sweetheart!”

Seymour responded, “She’s not my sweetheart!  She’s my

co-worker and the boss’s daughter! You’re going to get me

in trouble and get me fired!”

“Oh, I would never do that, my little friend!” sang Audrey 2.

“I like having you around! Besides, I’ve grown accustomed

to your blood. I’m just trying to help out your love life. It’s

time to make romance, time for a summer love! Just ask her out

and recite these poems and words of love under the silver moon

and she’ll fall in love with you, right into your arms.”

So, Seymour asked out Audrey for a walk under the moonlight

along the Battery and they looked out at the harbor 

and the Statue of Liberty, and they walked and they talked 

and recited poetry back and forth until they had both fallen 

totally in love with one another. 

He even asked for her hand in marriage. 

“Getting a little forward, are we?” Audrey asked. 

“I’ll have to think about it. I need a man who can

protect me and our family in this mean, mean world. Can you?”

And they headed back to the little old bookshop, back to work.

Bidding Mr. C good evening, they worked the register for the

customers who still came in. Mr. Canterbury had been thinking

the same thing as his daughter. Seymour was intelligent, but

could he protect and provide for his daughter and their children?

Mr. C was the nicest man you could imagine, and you would 

never guess that he was a hero of World War 2.

Not waiting to be drafted, he waited outside the recruiting office 

all night after Pearl Harbor, then enlisted Monday morning. 

Boot camp, infantry training, shipping out, fighting across Africa 

with Patton, he was terrified in Italy at Anzio, of charging up the 

blasted mountain where all the brave young men who ran up  

the slopes standing up were cut down by withering 

machine gun fire, mortar blasts, and Nazi snipers.

He crawled on his belly, hanging onto stumps of trees for cover

until he reached the summit. He used his baseball skills to

lob grenades into two German machine gun nests, eliminating

twenty of the master race of supermen and clearing the path to victory. 

He was made a battlefield lieutenant, replacing his CO

who had been killed, and still proudly displayed a signed letter

from President Truman in the window of the bookshop.

If could do it, he wanted to know that Seymour could do it,

and he told his daughter what he thought. 

Just after the boss went home, three punks came strolling into the store. 

They looked like they could not even read, plus they had to be really dumb 

or they would have known that bookstores don’t make much money

unlike liquor stores and pot shops. Coyly they demanded all the money

while snarling that they were going to gang rape Audrey 

and stab Seymour while he was forced to watch.

What they did not know was that Seymour had been learning karate

aikido, jiujitsu, boxing, and krav maga for years, and bullies

at school had learned to steer clear of him. 

He quickly made short work of the gangsters 

while Audrey 2 sang, “Feed me, Seymour! I’m hungry.”

Audrey & Audrey helped Seymour dump the bodies into the plant’s

gaping Venus flytrap mouths, and she grew ever bigger and stronger.

The Little Old Bookshop became the most popular in town as people

came from miles around to see and hear the enormous talking plant

and to buy books. Audrey and Seymour were married and lived

happily ever after, and Mr. Canterbury had three grandchildren.

And they all lived happily ever after, with liberty and justice for all!

Amen!